Losing
by Chalcedon
Summary: Companion piece to The Two Tragedies.
1. Estella

Title: Losing 1/3  
  
Author: Red Light District  
  
Series: the Losing Arc is in The Two Tragedies universe. It will be followed by a Merry POV and a Pippin POV.  
  
Warnings: More angst  
  
Summary: A look inside Estella's head.  
  
Author's Notes: This is all Estella's thoughts except certain parts, but they're pretty self-explanatory. Unlike The Two Tragedies the wedding is a past event not the present. Oh...I am assuming that the peoples of Middle Earth can use the word damn. Yes, I know that they don't have a hell, but let's pretend that damn refers to being condemned to Mordor or something like that.  
  
  
  
I still can't belive my luck. I'm finally marrying you, despite everything. In exchanging vows, we'll be bound to each other. When we were courting I was so afraid. So unsure of your feelings for me. It was too much to believe that you loved me back. But I know even when we're married I won't have assurance. You still don't love me back. I'll never have your heart, but I'll have your affection, material support, and body. Perhaps I'll even bear your children, but you won't love me. Not even then.  
  
I had dreamed of so much more.  
  
Perhaps it's a bit cliche, but I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. I was a little girl then, but I knew exactly what I wanted. And it was you. You were always so kind to me even though I was younger. I must have seemed like the irritating kid sister that was always tagging along. So much time has passed since then. So many changes.  
  
I spent years watching you. Studying you. If our school lessons had been about you, then I would have passed with flying colors. I felt that in watching I knew you better than anybody except Pippin.  
  
I remember when you asked if you could start seeing me. I was shocked and ecstatic. And you always attentive. The perfect gentleman. Nobody could fault your behavior towards me. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. You seemed to care for me genuinely, and I was so happy. But things changed. They always do. He seemed to be hiding something from me. Even from Pippin. Especially from Pippin.  
  
Of course there were signs. Little things that no one thought about. So insignificant. I've learned since that the insignificant can change to the significant with startling speed. It was all because of that thrice damned wedding.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The day of Peregrin's and Diamond's wedding arrived. It was a beautiful day with not a cloud in the sky. I felt awful. Mother had always told me that my imagination would be the end of me. Yet no matter how I tried I couldn't seem to shake my bad feelings. During our walk I noticed that you seemed to share my feelings. My worry grew.  
  
As we were seated, once again I wondered why Pippin didn't want you to stand up with him during the ceremony. It seemed so strange. After all, the two of you are best friends. I was a bit angry for your sake. It seemed like a deliberate slight. But I put aside my curiosity and anger. It was such a small thing. A tiny, insignificant thing.  
  
Half the Shire had been crowded into the hall. After all this was quite an event. The only wedding that could equal this in importance would be your own. I briefly let myself fantasize that I would be part of your wedding as the bride. But you haven't asked me. In fact, you shy away from the topic of marriage. But there was still time to talk of that.  
  
I reassured myself that one wouldn't court a girl so long without intending marriage. Such serious thoughts at a wedding. I surprised myself by worrying so. Surely I had no cause for concern.  
  
Throughout the wedding you were so nervous. Edgy, even. You kept pulling at your collar and fidgeting on the bench. I thought you might be claustrophobic what with so many of us pressed together. I turned slightly to put my hand on your arm. I thought to help you calm down, but when I reached out you had already stilled. Finally calm you were totally focused on something. Curious, I looked around to see what had caught your attention. It was Pippin.  
  
He was staring straight at you. He had such a look in his eyes. I can't describe it. Broken yet determined. So much love... and it was all for you. Not Diamond. He loved YOU.  
  
Stricken, I turned to you half-afraid of what I knew I'd see. There it was. The same love mirrored in your eyes. You'd never looked at me like that.  
  
I almost died in that moment. I should have known how you felt. I'd spent so much time watching you, studying you. I should have seen it before today. You're looking at him the same way that I look at you...  
  
The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. When it ended you disappeared and I let you. I needed some time. I'm sure you needed it more than I. After giving you enough time to think, get drunk, or whatever I went to find you.  
  
You were sitting at a table lost in thought with a tankard in hand. You seemed to have a collection of empty ones, and I hoped that you weren't too drunk. I took a deep breath and smiled before calling your name.  
  
"Merry!" He started visibly, but walked over to me. Good. At least he can walk. "I've been looking all over for you! Where have you been?" Yes, that's it. Pretend I know nothing. "Around."  
  
Around... why did I ever believe you loved me? This hurts so much, but I'll do anything to keep you.  
  
"Well, I've got you now." and I'll never let you go.  
  
I start to lead you towards the dancers, and chatter cheerfully about what a nice day it is. How lovely the wedding was. I don't remember. All I knew was that I'd do anything to make you forget about Pippin. I'd do anything to have you look at me that way.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
It's my wedding day. I'm playing the role that I'd fantasized of for years. And that's just what it is. A role. It won't be real to you. I can't have the comfort of believing that you love me. No, that was taken from me at a different wedding not too long ago. Even though you're marrying me. Even when you say that you'll love me and cherish me for the rest of our lives. I still lost.  
  
Congratulations, Peregrin. You win.  
  
---  
  
As usual this didn't turn out quite the way I intended, but I think it's pretty good even though it has more drama than a Harlequin novel. Lol. Don't forget to review. 


	2. Merry

Disclaimer: As I forgot to mention in my earlier fics. I don't own anything/anybody you recognize. Tolkien made them up... I just like to "play" with them. 0= )  
  
Title: Losing 2/3  
  
Author: Red Light District  
  
Summary: A look at Merry's thoughts  
  
Warnings: Angst. I'm sure you're all shocked and apalled. Lol.  
  
Author's notes: I jump around in this one. I think that the whens are pretty clear, but tell me if it isn't.  
  
For we lose not only by death, But also by leaving and being left, By changing and letting go and moving on. Judith Viorst  
  
  
  
I love him, and he loves me. What could be simpler? You'd think it'd be easy. It isn't though. Nothing of value comes easily. Does that devalue what Stella feels for me? No. I don't know what I'd do without her. But she isn't what I want.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
She's worried. I can always tell because she can't stop talking. She flits from one thing to another to hold back the silence. I'm glad for her nervous babble today. It keeps me from the necessity of pretending to be happy and making polite conversation.  
  
After the day you told me, we didn't meet again. I don't blame you. It would have been too painful to be in your presence. You sent me a letter though. It said that Sam would stand with you and would it be okay if I just watched? Perhaps it was silly, but that letter hurt. It was for the best though. I'm no coward, but I couldn't endure the torture of participating in your wedding. Not when it should have been me. I think you felt the same.  
  
This wouldn't be so bad if I knew you loved her, i I'd never had a chance. I wish you hadn't said that in the end. Yet, at the same time, I cling to those words. They're all I have left of you.  
  
Does Diamond know? I don't think you'd have the heart to tell her. You're many thingss, but never cruel. She's so in love with you; it would destroy her to know the truth. I'd like to hate the two of you, but I can't. She was my friend before I knew I loved you. You were more than my friend, and I'll always forgive you. But friendship for her can't rid me of the bitterness or the rage. Is it unfair to forgive you and despise her while she has done nothing?  
  
Would it shock you to know that I want to break her the same way she's breaking me? I want to yell at her. Tell her that you love me and only me. I want her to know that you'll never be alone in your marriage bed because I'll be there. I'll be the one you see, not her.  
  
If this was one of those stupid stories you used to love, then I would have been up there instead of you. You love me.... But this isn't a story, and because this is reality I'm sitting here, glued to my seat when I should be objecting to this farce of a wedding.  
  
Why are are you looking at me? You shouldn't look at me like that on your wedding day. Do you want me object? I would if you asked. But you're not asking anymore. The moment has passed, and you're back to gazing at Diamond as if you love her.  
  
I was almost glad when you didn't act on your feelings. It wouldn't have been right to break your promise. We wouldn't have lasted long living under that. Honor. We'll both marry for honor, but it's a hollow thing when what I want is you.  
  
Honor is overrated. It never gave any of us anything worthwhile. Even during The War. Look at Frodo. He was Ringbearer out of a sense of honor and obligation. He tried so hard, but the Ring hurt him more than he could bear. Now he's gone. Sometimes I wonder if he loved Sam.....I wonder if they went through the same thing. It doesn't matter though. In the end, we decided what was truly important, and it wasn't each other.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I'm marrying her for honor, and now that I'm here...all I can think of is you. I think she knows. Something in her eyes is so sad. I'd probably look the same if I hadn't learned to hide it, but she shouldn't have a reason to look that way. Not unless she knows, and who would willingly enter a loveless marriage?  
  
When I decided to do this I thought it was for honor. I thought it was because we had duties that were more important than our feelings and desires. I was wrong then. Honor is simply another word for fear. We were both afraid then. Afraid of love, afraid of the reaction, afraid of change. So we let go and thought we were doing the right thing. If I could go back to that day, then I would ask you to leave her. Honor be damned. It wouldn't matter if you'd say yes or not. As long as I asked, then I would know that I'd done all I could. And you would know how much I cared. If I'd asked, then maybe I wouldn't be here now. Maybe we would have lived the epic romance. I don't know. But I wish....  
  
"I now pronounce you husband and wife."  
  
I should have asked.  
  
--- TBC  
  
This might be a bit jumbled, but I can't see it.... Please tell me if something didn't make sense.  
  
Only one more part to go! We finally get to hear what Pippin has to say about all of this. If what's in my head can come out on paper, then it's going to be a trip. 


	3. Pippin

Disclaimer: I own nothing. No actual hobbits were harmed in the making of this fic.  
  
Title: Losing 3/3  
  
Author: Red Light District  
  
Summary: So how deep does the rabblit hole go? or You finally get to see what Pippin thinks about all this.  
  
Author's note: This is the end of my wonderfully angsty series....at least I think it's the end. The Boys are pushing for a story about what happens in their last days. I'm not too sure about that though. As always, tell me if it made sense, what you thought, etc...  
  
I realized a few days ago that there's been a song playing in the back of my head while I wrote the last two parts. "I Want" by Dayna Manning. I've never heard it, but I kep hearing the words over and over....it really influenced Merry's part. It's a long song, so here are (to me) the most important bits:  
  
I want someone to grant my wishes snip It's taken me all this time to find out what I need snip And I want a love that's not so painful It's taken me all this, all this time, But I can't have everything I want 'Cause I can't have you I can't have everything I want 'Cause I only want you.  
  
---  
  
"Oh, my Merry."  
  
Then you're kissing me and I've waited so long for this.... I never dreamed that you'd feel the same... When we break away I have tears in my eyes. I want to stay with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you....I want you to ask me to give her up. I need you to ask me.  
  
"You know I can't." "I know. I can't either."  
  
You bastard! What do you mean you can't! Didn't that kiss mean anything to you? You're supposed to ask me to stay. Tell me that you love me and won't let me go without a fight. Why couldn't you have told me before I got engaged? Before I fell in love with her? Yes, I do love her, but not the same way....you will always own my heart.  
  
"You'll be there won't you?" Merry...Say you'll only be at my wedding if I'm marrying you. I need you to give me something to hang onto. Don't do this to me...to us.  
  
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."  
  
So you're letting go. You can't do that... Not when I just found out. If you ask me to leave her, then I will. Without a thought for her or anything else. Don't you see that? Don't you understand. I'm walking away now. Slowly. You have time to stop me. I'm giving you every chance I can without saying it. Please just say something and I'll never ask for anything again... I'm at the door now. I'm stopping. Here! Another chance.... Are you blind or just too good?  
  
"I just wanted you to know that I always have."  
  
I'm closing the door. I'm outside. I'm walking away, but this isn't right. This isn't the way the stories go. You're supposed to run after me and tell me that you love me. Tell me I can't marry her. Tell me that everything will be okay because we'll have each other. But you don't. And I go home to cry for everything we should have had.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
You're here. I've been watching you the whole time. You're edgy. You could never keep still at things like this. How could you come here with her? But you could ask me how I could ask you to be at my wedding.  
  
I wish I could have told you about Sam in person. I was too hurt, angry....in love. I still am. I can't believe how cold it was. I didn't mean for it to sound that way, but I couldn't help it. I thanked you for your time. I would have given up everything to be with you, and all you had to give me was your time.  
  
I'm supposed to be waiting for Diamond, but I'm watching you. It should be you I'm waiting for, or you waiting for me. I would have done it however you liked. I'd be your boy on the side if you'd asked. As long as I could be with you.  
  
So, you finally noticed that I've been staring at you. It took you long enough. You know me. You alway read my thoughts when I least want you to. Can you do it now? Do you dare to do it now that it will do something? Object. Stop the wedding. Tell the whole Shire that you love me, and I can't marry Diamond. Why won't you do that. I love you so much, and you love me too. What could be more natural?  
  
You weren't able to read my mind this time. Or...what if you did, but you didn't want to object. What if I misread everything in that kiss, everything in your eyes? I couldn't have been that blind, not when I see such pain on your face. Oh....I understand now.  
  
You're going to marry her.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I'm at your wedding. Lovely really. I think I'm going to be ill. How can you stand there and look at her that way. As if she could ever take my place. I hate her, and I want to hate you. Maybe I do. I heard that love and hate are closely tied to each other. It would be easier if I hated you because then I wouldn't hurt so much.  
  
I thought I hated you for a while. Then we talked. You were returning the visit I made. It seems like a lifetime ago. I suppose it was poetic justice that you were only coming to tell me of your engagement. That was the last time I cried about us, and I'm not wasting anymore tears on you.  
  
Don't you think it strange that nobody's noticed how our relationship has changed. I suppose they think it's because of our new responsibilities and our marriages...  
  
If we could have that day back, then I wouldn't wait for you to say something. But we can't go back. We can only go forward...without each other. Oh, love I miss you...  
  
"I now pronounce you husband and wife."  
  
I wish you could have looked at me just once.  
  
---  
  
TBC???  
  
So...what did you think? Was it angsty enough? Lol.  
  
Should there be a semi-happy story about them? It won't be completely happy though because it will take place in Rohan/Gondor... 


End file.
